BOOK REVIEW: Tommy Spaulding's 'It's Now Just Who You Know' Updates Dale Carnegie's Advice on Relationships with Emphasis on What You Can Give Rather Than Get to 'Win Friends and Influence People'
Reviewed By David M. Kinchen
Growing up in Suffern, New York, a New York City suburb, Tommy Spaulding was not a reader -- and his grades showed it. He writes -- only half jokingly -- in It's Not Just Who You Know (Broadway Books, an imprint of Crown Publishing Group, a Random House division, 320 pages, $23.00) that he would have a 4.0 grade point average if both his high school and college grade point averages were added together. A major turning point came when his dad, who taught junior high English, gave his dyslexic son a copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Neither father nor son knew about Tommy's dyslexia until years later, but the best-selling 1937 book changed young Tommy's life. In his new book Spaulding — the former CEO of Up With People — and the current head of Denver, Colorado-based Spaulding Companies, has written what might become the new How to Win Friends and Influence People for the 21st century. Success — in business and in life — is all about relationships and in his guide to reaching out to others, Spaulding takes Dale Carnegie’s classic philosophy to the next level — how to create lasting relationships that go well beyond mere superficial contacts and faux relationships.
I have what some would call an irrational aversion to self-help books about networking and how to use relationships and networking to advance your career, but well into It's Not Just Who You Know I made an exception as I saw how Tommy Spaulding's dyslexia didn’t hold him back—in fact, it helped him to develop the talents he possessed.
Spaulding comes across as a natural leader; he realized early in his life that he had the ability to connect with others, whatever their age or background. As a teenager, his copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People quickly became his bible. Despite his mediocre grades, he earned a bachelor's degree from East Carolina University in Greenville, North Carolina and in 1998 earned an MBA from Bond University in Australia. He became a national finalist for the DECA Entrepreneurial Business competition in high school, and ran successfully for senior class president. He went on to become the CEO of Up With People, one of the largest nonprofit international leadership organizations in the world.
At every step, Tommy learned that the secret to getting ahead was reaching out for the support and insight and influence of others. None of us achieve great success alone. We need the help of other people. Through revealing anecdotes, including mistakes he made growing up (I loved the way he admits his my bad for he treated his junior prom date!) and in his career, Tommy Spaulding expands upon the principles that Dale Carnegie outlined more than 70 years ago, and shows us how to take them one step further to accomplish the impossible in our lives and careers.
To invite others to be genuine partners in our lives and success, Spaulding says, you have to first be interested in other people. It’s not just who you know, or what they can do for you, but what you can do for them. It made sense when President John F. Kennedy made the same point in his inaugural address on Jan. 20, 1961: "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country." Motives matter. Establishing a deeper connection is about authenticity, not manipulation. Reciprocity, not selfishness. Every relationship is a two-way street; we never know when a chance encounter can change the direction of our life.
Spaulding presents us with "five floors" of relationships, imagining relationships as a five-story building, with the deeper and more meaningful relationships on the higher floors, with the deepest and most meaningful ones on the fifth or "penthouse" floor.
We should recognize, Spaulding writes, the economic value of ROR -- Return on Relationships, but only authentic relationships. Just piling up business cards and filling up a computerized list of contacts doesn't cut it -- we often neglect to build a culture that values authentic relationships, he says.
Using anecdotes and examples, Spaulding shows us how to move NSW -- News, Sports and Weather -- relationships to upper level floors in Spaulding Tower. Specific, strategic actions are required, including doing you homework and asking simple, non-intrusive questions to foster a genuine relationship. Spaulding also cautions about asking for freebies from people you're cultivating -- until the proper moment arrives.
The lessons in his book are illustrated with dozens of concrete examples from Spaulding's own life and experiences, plus those of people he came in contact with. There is no title page credit for a ghostwriter, but Stephen Caldwell is credited by Spaulding as his "angel writer" as the two wrote the book. Together, they produced a very readable book that I liked -- despite my dislike of self-help guides.
Speaking of writing, I was impressed with how Spaulding is addicted -- in a good sense ---to handwritten notes to people he's met. I like this retro approach, which, in an age of digital messages, stands out. He cites many examples in his book, including one where a faculty member at ECU framed a note Spaulding had penned and sent to him. Another lesson this reader came away with from this book: Random acts of kindness were anything but random with Spaulding.
About the Author
Spaulding founded the Leader’s Challenge (the largest high school civic and leadership program in Colorado) and was the CEO of Up With People, one of the largest leadership nonprofit organizations in the world. He is the founder and CEO of Spaulding Companies, a consulting firm based in Denver. He lives in the Denver metropolitan area with his wife, Jill, and their three children. Spaulding's website: www.tommyspaulding.com. ; Publisher's website: www.broadwaybusinessbooks.com.