Aug. 31, 2006
 
COMMENTARY: Return to School Creates Tipping Points
 
By Reg Henry
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
 
Gather 'round, kiddies. Uncle Reg has tips for you now that the great national migration known as back-to-school time has begun.
 
There's no point in rending your little garments, stamping your tiny feet and wailing "I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" The Grown Ups have spoken and you are off to the educational penitentiary known as school, whether you like it or not.
 
It could be worse. You could be home-schooled and spend the next year with Mom or Dad. Wouldn't that be fun?
 
Of course, the main problem with home-schooling is that it's too close to home. As Nature herself teaches, little birds can't learn to fly without being kicked out of the nest.
 
For their part, home-schooled kids don't have it easy. They often find themselves in spelling bees. Do you know what happens to little boys and girls who become good spellers? Yes, they immediately disqualify themselves from future careers in journalism.
 
Uncle Reg got most of his education from journalism. He has met many fascinating people, such as City Council members and folks from nonprofit organizations. Paris Hilton doesn't have such an interesting and glamorous life.
 
Because he is so knowledgeable, and in fact has a degree of concussion from the University of Hard Knocks, Uncle Reg has advice for all ages, whether in kindergarten or college. Why, you can hardly shut him up, because he is what is called a columnist, a type of professional know-it-all.
 
Actually, the difference between kindergarten and college is not all that big. Both involve extensive napping. But while you must clean up for yourself in kindergarten, you have janitors to do it in college. And when the dorm is completely trashed, the students' parents are collectively billed. This does not make them happy.
 
Kiddies, try and keep your parents happy. That is Uncle Reg's first tip, because Uncle Reg is a daddy, too, and knows the special joy of finding an expensive and unnecessary item charged to his credit card. Of course, you kindergartners are unlikely to do this -- these days, that is behavior we do not expect until the fifth grade.
 
While fiscal prudence is one way of keeping your parents happy, another is taking pride in your appearance. For example, never wear a cap sideways, because, while you are small, you risk having a strong wind pick it up like a sail and propel you down the street.
 
And whatever you do, don't button up your little polo shirt to the top. This is a certain sign that you are a weird person. If you button up that last button, there is no crime that people won't think you have committed. Why, the authorities will fly you back from a foreign country to face murder charges without any firm evidence other than the buttoned-up polo shirt that marks you as a deviate.
 
When you grow older, you can become a politician, which is another type of professional know-it-all, and you can pass a law banning fully-buttoned-up polo shirts in the interests of public safety. Until that happy day, just follow Uncle Reg's advice.
 
Please study hard for Uncle Reg, especially because Uncle Reg didn't do this himself. If he had, he would not have gone into journalism but instead would have entered law or medicine. While his life would not have been so interesting, his golf game would be much better.
 
There is a subversive idea out there that you can be lazy and inattentive in school these days and still be a success. Unfortunately, some shocking examples do exist -- including Uncle Reg, who, while not exactly a success, is still employed against the odds.
 
Uncle Reg knows the many temptations out there for young people, which is why he wishes he were young again. But, kiddies, avoid all the intoxicants -- alcohol, drugs, talk radio, any word ending in "-ism," wacky religions, crazy cults such as the Young Republicans, and romance.
 
That last may seem strange, but unless you are careful whom you kiss in this life, you could find yourself at Thanksgiving with relatives-in-law who button their polo shirts right up to the top.
 
Have fun at school now -- and don't worry about your self-esteem. Remember, Uncle Reg has always done fine without it.
 
Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry@post-gazette.com.
 
Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.shns.com.